moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 Tuesdays are karate night (and every week night is helping the kids with homework night), so I will try and answer any questions / PMs later this week!



moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)

Very much. While home, I did get to edit/post a few old stories to; yay! 

However, my kids (mostly my youngest) were fussy. Despite getting them out to activities and exhibits and for bike rides daily, they were unhappy. #1 son in particular spent most of his March Break disappointed for one reason or another. (I think he missed his friends from school. I tried to call a few up to invite them over to play, but unfortunately didn't get calls back. I felt so bad for him.)

So, after a long week with the kids, I have posted the next chapter of FF II to & AO3 early in honour of Sakura's birthday this week. 

Because right now, I need some love. XD 

Now heading to the medicine cabinet to see if we have any acetaminophen to deal with this headache.
 Too many tantrums, too much ingratitude, too much whining this week. *sigh* 

Someday, I will have a little vacation of my own. Until then, we plod on. XD

*years since I had a vacation: 15+* 
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
For the record, I honestly wouldn't be sane if I didn't do things that *I* enjoy. Some examples:

This past week I:

- attended an Executive Night dinner & speaker (400+ people, decent food, awesome new people to meet, and a fantastic, inspiring speaker. And I got to chat Scottish history with someone totally out of the blue, which sealed the deal for an awesome night)

- attended my first Passion Party! A friend of mine is a Passion Party consultant, and at the suggestion of a friend (nikolita), I asked if I could join a party sometime soon to get an idea of how they ran. So, you can all thank nikolita (and my friend Candace) for introducing me to the fun that is Passion Parties, and for the resulting forthcoming scenes in "Forest Fire II". You're welcome.

- volunteered with my son's kindergarten class. I volunteered usually 2 mornings/month (as much as I could spare, given my work schedule), and love going in to help out with different activities, hanging out with the kids, seeing how they interact. I've decided not to continue this after March Break (after this week), for a few reasons, but really enjoyed being with the kids. I had a good time. My husband even came to join me there to help out, 2 weeks ago, which was really special. I guess not many dads get to come in to volunteer. It was a fun time. The kids rushed him. XD You could see it in their eyes, how bright they got, with the, 'There's a DAD here!!!!!"-look. Kindie-swarming, gotta love it. XD

- working out. I wake up around 5-5:15am at least 3 times a week to hit the gym, and the remaining days of the week I sleep in until around 6am before going for a run. I like working out. It feels good. It also helps me manage stress, anxiety, depression (mostly on top of this one, since I work hard to avoid triggers), and my PTSD. <3 exercise. This week I started overhauling my bike so I can ride it again this summer, hopefully more actively, so I rely less on my car. I'm kind of leaning towards getting a little trailer for it so I can bring picnic gear with us for longer rides. That would cost $, though, and we don't have a whole lot of that to go around.

- I love driving and race my car at the track. Due to finances/timing (ugh, I actually paid for a track day and ended up having to cancel b/c it was right after my hubby's surgery), I wasn't able to make it out to the track last summer. We'll see if it happens this summer. I really enjoy it, and fine driving is an acquired taste and a challenging skill. I take pride in mine and in my car.

- practiced guitar. I have recently started teaching my kids a bit of guitar. They enjoy it. I enjoy it. I'm not very good at it, but I enjoy it. I'm okay with the fact I'm not good at it; music is something I play with.

- talking with friends. Especially enemyoftheheir, who keeps me sane and is my brother-from-another-mother, but with boobs. :P Nothing is sacred in our convos, nothing.

- also relating to enemyoftheheir, GWNI. GWNI=Girls' Writing Night In. This started as a writing exercise for the two of us to hang out & write together, online. (Since we live in different countries and all). Basically, we both come up with a bunch of prompts, then at a designated time, we share them with each other and get to choose a prompt each, the timer goes off, and we write for 15-30 minutes. Then share with each other. Squee! Then choose another prompt, set the timer again, and write! Then 15-30 minutes later (depending on how we're doing--sometimes we'll extend the timer if we both find we're on a roll), share again. Depending on how much time we have, we'll do a few rounds of this. It's spontaneous, it's intense, it's fun, and it really gets the muse going. It's also ridiculously competitive. XD And since we know we're writing for each other, we'll hit each other's kinks hard. It's wonderful. It also gets quite silly. We may set up a tumblr for some of these stories, at some point. They're awesome fun.

- having fun with my kids. I love my kids. They're the best part of my day. It can be really trying, being a mom, but I've tried to raise my kids with my sense of humour. Sometimes I force us all outside, on our bikes; or out for a hike; or my kids will request we all sit down to play boardgames together (often during bad weather). I try to get us outside as much as possible. I love this. I love them. They are my life.

I do try to write as often as I can; I need it. I also need to live. :) Other people rely on me, too.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
- go to sleep at 2am
- wake up at 7, 8, 9, 9:30, 10:17am give up b/c I can't ignore the kids' arguing any longer
- bake cookies
- make lunch
- pack snacks for road trip
- pack bags for trip
- send everyone (hubby + kids) the heck out to Toronto for the day b/c I have s* to do!
- do laundry
- shower (brush teeth in shower b/c it saves time)
- eat ??
- run errands at 4 different places across 3 cities (go-go-Gadget-Civic!)
- pout b/c I can't get the supper I wanted (*shakes fist at resto being closed on Sunday*)
- go home
- eat / do online chores
- fix bike
- do more laundry
- test bike (death-free, good enough)
- tidy toys
- look for missing toys
- pack away winter blankets
- tidy basement storage for toy storage
- laundry
- fix more things
- kids + hubby arrive safely home, get the kids to bed (10:45pm at this point)
- put away groceries hubby brought home
- catch up w/ hubby on his day-trip w/ the kids (apparently #1 son got lost at the ROM today & security had to be called in to search & help retrieve him)
- laundry
- sit down, drink a glass of water

Currently: 11:46pm. *Now* is officially when *my free time* starts, AKA: When I get to write. This is what being a mom + being a writer is like. During the week I have a job to go to, too.

This is why I update monthly. ;)

But I do update.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Was hoping that cleaning off the elliptical would make me feel better. Nope. *renewed anger*

*deep breath*

A day at a time, a day at a time...

History/Explanation: Late summer/early fall this year, my FIL & husband decided to open up a wall in the basement to check for possible leakage & water damage since we'd had mild flooding in our area.

But see, they didn't think to move my $4,500+ elliptical out of the way first. In spite of me clearing the way in front of it (it has wheels so it can moved), or even putting a tarp or blanket over it. And me asking them, repeatedly, to be careful with it, and me reminding them that I didn't want a mess to clean up again like I'd had to the last few times they'd 'helped' or 'fixed' things.

Fast Forward: The elliptical is covered in dust, inside and out, there are globs of 'compound' (used to patch up walls) all over it, the handlebars have chunks & gobs of *something* on them I can't identify, and I am losing my f*ing s* because they've effectively ruined MY $4,500 piece of equipment. And the floor? Can't find it. It's covered in construction stuff.

This is after my FIL ruined the paintjob on my brand-new car several years ago, btw.

So, yeah, deep breaths. I started cleaning it off tonight. It has taken me this long to calm down enough to go clean it. Because they didn't.

Deep breaths, jaw clenched, and me being relieved of charitable thoughts towards them for a good, long time. Because this isn't in the nature of forgivable. Unless they show up with $5,000.00 CDN in hand and an apology letter. My savings went into that machine, to help me with my heart. Now I'm having to put out more out of pocket, for a f*ing gym membership--to go use ellipticals.

Deep breaths. Lots of deep breaths.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 Another Spring Update:
- the ice storms we had this past winter felled two of our mature cedars. T_T We have lost a big chunk of the privacy in our yard (and unfortunately, a pair of nestlings who came down with the tree when it fell). Hubby was there when it happened and was heartbroken. Good man that he is, he tried to save the surviving bird by making it a new origami next and putting it back into one of the surviving trees, around the same height; the mother robin wasn't able to save it. A part of nature, but still, it was sad.
- in positive news, we hope to open the pool soon—preferably before next weekend (a long weekend here in Canada). Again on our own (instead of asking a company to do it), since it will save us $500. Which we could really use these days. ^_^;
- no new job yet, but I still look every day. I have taken up with Pampered Chef in the meantime in order to improve my small-talk skills. I am terrible when I am put in a room with people I don't know *really well*. But I'm working on it! And it has been fun to reconnect with some old friends. ^_^b 
- my kids are my life. XD  And they make it a great one. I took my son to a fair yesterday (and we built a catapult together!), and today I took my daughter to Toronto to learn simple (computer) coding through Processing (an open source processing program) with different generative art examples. She had a great time! We are also out to karate and t-ball, often multiple times weekly for each. I live with my dayplanner attached to my left hand these days.
- writing. I want to write. So much. Between the kids, volunteering, the job search, and PC, though, along with regular housewifely duties, and my husband's broken knee, I don't get much time to myself. I miss the Studio so very much. I feel so rusty, grr! Especially when I have wonderful people cheering me on and supporting me; I feel terrible I can't put more time towards it. As it is, I've had to give up exercising in order to get enough sleep. XD
- my husband & kids went out of their way for Mother's Day. :) It was so cute. I am so very, very fortunate to have them. :D  No, things aren't perfect; but we try hard and we recognize each other's efforts more, now, and I think that's a very important thing to note. I've found recognizing another person's contribution around here goes a long way to that person feeling valued and appreciated. : )  We're trying to instil that 'attitude of gratitude' in our kids. 
- my plans for the summer: go home (the coast). I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I truly mean it. I need to reconnect with home again. It is a physical ache, this homesickness. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I really miss my parents most of all.
- I am making an effort to go out with my friends to socialize more. This may seem silly to some, but I really am a borderline recluse when left to my own devices. I like it that way; but I know it isn't mentally/emotionally healthy to be like this all the time (and a number of my really good friends have reminded me that other people miss *me*, too). This means picking up a phone. Going to visit. Going out to coffee. Reaching out by e-mail. Not passively reading and 'liking' or commenting on FB posts. Reaching out. It is amazing how scary and intimidating this has become to me, and I realize now just how much what happened to me at my previous jobs has affected my socialization. I have become afraid of being around people, in a way, because I do not trust them not to hurt me. Even close friends. When I figured this out I realized this was completely unacceptable. It is terrifying getting in my car sometimes to go meet my friends; but I make myself do it. (I might be bordering on an anxiety attack at times, but hey, what's life without its challenges?) But I don't want to be afraid of simply going out; I don't want to feel ashamed of myself; I really, really (and this is my spiteful side talking) don't want the mofo bosses I've had to still have that kind of effect on me, even months after I left that godforsaken company I used to work for. So while it is hard, I am making myself get out of the house. ^^; PC is helping me with that, in that it forces me to put on my  'show' face and just get out there. I'll be 'me' again, someday. It's just a rocky road getting there, some days. It'll smooth out. (And as Paolo Coelho [sp?] said, "Straight roads do not make skilful drivers." Obviously, I'm on my way to being a frickin' social rockstar.)
- I want to make plans again. When I started looking at the summer and decided I really did want things to work out so I could go visit my family, it made me realize how long it has been since I made proper plans. (Birthday plans turned into a suck-awful affair, btw, which we won't go into). I want plans. I want goals. I want to *meet* those goals for my plans and feel productive and accomplished again. I miss that.
- I have loved helping out some of my friends recently. Whether it was being a sounding board for a story idea, sending concrit, or stopping in to help with their kids or their business, even for just a few minutes, it is nice to be able to help others. I try to carve out a bit of time each week to help whomever I can. It might not be much (to some), but sometimes it means the world. I wish I could lighten the load for more of my friends. I am still trying to figure out how, for some. I am not tooting my own horn; I am writing this for myself to remind myself that while I sometimes feel like I don't 'do much', I probably do more than I realize and  need to take ownership of the pride I should feel for this. I am too used to sitting quietly at the back with my shoulders hunched hoping no one notices me and that I don't bother anyone else. I need to start making myself feel 'okay' for being happy to help others, instead of guilty I can't do more. ^^;  (Have I mentioned how awful it is to have social anxiety? It is a battle against an enemy who has outposts in one's head, as they say. You're your own worst enemy.) 
- no racing my little Civic yet this year; I hope to make time for that later on. I have some track time booked for October, when I return from the coast, but for now it isn't in the cards (until I have a job again). ^_^; Motorsports. The ultimate pay-to-play. 
- I am trying to read printed fiction again (as opposed to living on fanfic; which, while awesome, does often lack the standards of printed fiction) to bring my editing skills back up to par. XD Those have really suffered over the past two years. Time to break out the red Sharpie and get cracking on those WIPs! ("Merits", "FFII", "Competition", "MMII", I'm looking at you.) Argh. >_< Need to carve some time out this summer to work on everything. And finish up the coding on the author's site I made on WordPress. And fill out "Isra" more, following the concrit I received. And get that special tax number I need to publish online through Kobo / Amazon. 
One of these days. It'll come together. :) 
For now, I'll just sling my folding camping chair over my shoulder and head back out to the t-ball fields with my kids. ^_^b
Happy Mother's Day to all, and have a great week!
PS: No, I did not edit this post. You get it raw. Enjoy.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)

Er, long time, eh?

A quick update:

- after much harassment from my supervisor (and her supervisor) after I reported them for inappropriate conduct (including illegal activity) at work, I left my job at the end of August 2013.

- I have been blacklisted by most local financial institutions, and have spent the last 4 months unemployed.

- luckily, my application to the government for financial support was approved (after 3.5 months), so we do have a small amount of money coming in to help us get through the worst of the winter.

- no, things don't look good, employment-wise

- I spend all my time searching for a new job that isn't financial- or customer service-related

- I was writing up until about November 2013, when things became too busy for me to continue

- I am hoping to write more again soon

- I am trying to fit more physical activity into my life again, since I could really do with an energy boost. ;)

- I am very grateful I got to spend the holidays with my kids for the first time (even if we were stuck inside due to the ice storm, then the crazy freezing temperatures)

- I am considering taking up knitting again, and am hoping to get my kids into it with me. :)  (I'll be re-starting from beginner level, and have set up a profile on to look for simple, neat, useful things to make)

- I am still reading a fair bit, when I can

- I am lucky to have been able to volunteer a bit in various places during autumn, and am hoping to be able to continue :) It makes me feel happy/good

That's about it for me! Perhaps more later. :)  

Happy 2014

moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
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In early January of this year, I was into the doctor's office/hospital for more tumour screening. I had found lumps--yes, multiple--and considering my last tumour grew nearly an inch a month in diameter the last time I was diagnosed, we weren't taking any chances. Well, after a few rounds of testing, prodding, ultrasounds, etc., we realised it wasn't a proper tumour (thank goodness!). It was a pregnancy that was going very wrong.
Some of you may remember me mentioning my last pregnancy -- and some of the trials/tribulations/emergency midwife visits/hemorrhaging. It has left a very... strong hesitation within me to revisit pregnancy, even if the last one was nearly four years ago.
Anyway, this left me with getting mixed messages from my doctors (yes, multiple -- My GP, to the PNs to my former surgeon & ENT). I was worried that the stress I was under from work would lead to complications, if not miscarriage--they told me they didn't think that would happen, they were more worried about my health. But overall, they assured me that things would work out and that I should keep the baby. I let them know I was very against this idea and would rather have some more time to plan a pregnancy properly, and ensure I was in better health BEFORE trying for another--they disagreed.
I gave it a day or so before confirming to my husband we were expecting again. While financially this could ruin us, we were both pretty excited--though I was trying not to get *too* excited. Just in case. (I've lost two other little ones to miscarriage.)
Fast-forward a week (to Sunday of last week), and I start to miscarry. I'd hoped it was a false alarm. By Monday morning, I knew it wasn't. The way my husband's face crumpled when I told him... It broke my heart--but it also made me angry. Angry when I'd already been feeling upset that we hadn't stopped it earlier.
By Tuesday I was in so much pain/so sick that I called my doctor and explained what was happening. They told me to go to the Emergency Room (ER). I was in to the ER for 5+ hours. The nurses left me unattended for 2+ hours, not even coming into the room to check on me. I didn't see a doctor--I didn't even see a doctor during the 5+ hours I was at the hospital. By 1am I was exhausted, racked with pain, and hobbled out of the ER to call a cab to take me home. If I was going to miscarry, I was at least going to do it at home. At least I'd have my husband beside me if it really came down to it. Again, I was upset but I was more angry. I'd told my doctors (when I was originally diagnosed with the pregnancy) I'd been expecting problems, and they had dismissed them. I had gone to the ER to see if there was anything that could be done to ease the pain, and after 5+ hours still received no help. My husband (I had insisted he stay home w/ the kids, since our regular 'babysitters' who may have helped us with the kids overnight were abroad), was almost as angry as I was that I'd been dismissed at the ER. At this time, it really started to feel like things were falling apart and that I had no one to help me/us.
By Friday (just a few days ago), I was worn out (still going in to work every morning), sick, frustrated, and still miscarrying. My temper was frayed and I started to lose my cool at work. I'm normally a fairly quiet person at work, so this shocked a lot of people. I got angry at an advisor who was trying to fraudulently settle a policy and called her on it--my boss yelled at me and had someone else apologise to this fraudulent scheister. This wasn't the worst I've had to deal with at work, but it is constant, and constantly frustrating. Things at work have been awful and I know they contributed to my stress levels (and most likely, to me miscarrying). When I started crying during a call to my support team (who are supposed to help us with finding answers), I knew my day was shot. I hung in until 5pm, then went home. 
I was also stuck working evening/late shifts at work nearly all last week -- which was March break for my kids. I barely saw my own children.
So yes, the writing (and nearly all extra-curriculars for me) has stopped since January. Mentally/emotionally, between work & my health, I've not been in a good place. I hate my job and my supervisor in particular. She has been whoring out our team to other departments for over a year now, and because of this my team can't make our 'STIP' (bonus-related) work goals. Or even our regular work targets. I'm beginning to think she's doing this deliberately. Not a single other team has offered to assist us with our workload.
On the 'positive' side, when I got desperate last week, I managed to contact the local abortion clinic. Now, whatever your feelings on abortion are, they are YOURS. I am desperate at this point to just live through the pain I am in. They are the ONLY medical practitioners who have given me any support/assistance since I was diagnosed with this pregnancy-gone-wrong. We're going to see what we can do Thursday (they helped me arrange a surgery to try and end the miscarriage to reduce my risks of further complications). This is not a decision I made lightly--it was a decision I made trying to find a way to get back on my feet again so I can get back to being a good mother to my kids. Try miscarrying for a week where you cramp so much you vomit, and let me know about how chipper you are when your nurses tell you to 'just tough it out, it'll get better soon, it happens to plenty of women'. Fuck that--if there's a way I can get back my life again and reduce/end this suffering, I'm taking it. Do doctors think women actually have supportive work environments?! Don't make me laugh. Women have to work twice as hard as men do to get half the recognition (I see it in my own team), and the minute a woman opens her mouth to criticise or comment on things that are BLATANTLY wrong, she gets labelled as a harpy, a nag, a 'negative/detrimental team player' or complainer. A guy brings it up? "Oh, if he's saying something about it, it must be valid--or at least we'll listen and not mock you for it." *so frustrating*
I have two wonderful kids I love, and I need to take care of them. Not that a third wouldn't be wanted/loved as well, but not right now--too much of my body is at this time failing me physically. It feels like my insides are killing me. The clinic is the only place that has given me practical medical advice as opposed to a bunch of sympathetic noises over the phone or face-to-face platitudes (ER staff, I'm looking at you).
I have booked Thursday off work for the surgery itself, and decided to book Friday off as well for recovery since I really don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in, mentally/emotionally/physically. And to be perfectly honest, a day to myself without BS is sorely needed at this point.
The only positive points to all this are that:
- I get time away from my shitty job
- I think my supervisor is taking some time off soon, so when I am around, hopefully she won't be
Writing just hasn't been in the cards recently. Reading has, while I've been waiting around in doctor's offices, but I've been so distracted it has barely taken the edge off.
Thankfully, my husband has been a rock and has helped me pick up the slack at home so the kids aren't completely aware of what's been going on. They just know that mummy's been going to see her doctors a lot recently to get checked to make sure things are okay. Because my daughter took it way too hard when I went through my tumour-saga for me to put her through that again if I don't absolutely have to. My son wasn't even a year old -- the less he knows, the better, imho.
I'm sure this comes across as melodramatic and bitter and frustrated -- that's about where I am right now. Even things I used to take so much pleasure in, like learning guitar, have taken a back seat to my exhaustion. I hate feeling like this. I used to be a semi-professional martial artist; I was trained to take my father's place in the secret service; yet everything feels like it holds me back these days. I'm surrounded by idiot supervisors at work and when I ask for help medically, I'm ignored. It's no wonder I fight myself on a daily basis to 'Remain Calm and Carry On'. Even trying to arrange interviews for other potential jobs is a hassle because my supervisor doesn't accommodate our requests for time off (because we're so short staffed and overworked at this time). We sent her our 2013 vacation requests in December 2012 and she STILL hasn't approved any of them. I've had to book my daughter into camps on the *assumption* that I'll have the time off--and my husband is requesting the same time off I have just to make sure we're covered.
At this point I'm trying to move to a different department at work, at least -- though with my health problems, no matter how good I normally am at my job, I can't even help myself there. 
I have really really tried to be positive about so many things, but I am very tired these days. I do not want to work for someone else, but I'm not sure what else to do to ensure we have a steady income coming in for the kids. I'm really hoping that once #1 son gets into JK this fall I'll be able to pull back my hours somewhere, or perhaps by the time he is in SK/Grade 1, I can move to part-time. It isn't healthy to live this frustrated all the time.
For now, I'm signing off to try and get through 3 more days of work this week. Apparently our company has been sending out incorrect tax slips/receipts since 2004 to our clients, and that notification goes out this week to advisors/clients. Guess who's responsible for the calls we're expecting? *points at self* And we have no documentation or even a fucking FAQ yet for the call centre. No one has even confirmed the # of clients affected. Oh god this is going to be bad. 
Wishing you a much better week than I know I'm going to have -- hang tough. It's a moment in time, as I keep telling myself, and it can't stay this way forever.
It's just not very fun to go through it at the time.
Take care,
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 This past weekend and into tomorrow:
Friday night: left for hotel to join my racing team's org committee. Should have taken 75 minutes. GPS failed. 3 hours later, arrived after having drive through scenery that could have been used to film "The Blair Witch Project". *seriously, I kept expecting bodies to start dropping from the trees* Southern Ontario small towns, at night, you are terrifying...
Saturday: up before dawn to head out to the bakery to collect food/clean/set up race track meeting room/etc for the day's events. Worked hospitality all day--except for a brief sprint around the track w/ a friend who took me out in their new Porsche. OMGAMAZING. Drove home that night to cuddle w/ my kids. (hotel, food, race uniform, etc. all provided by my racing team -- we worked a long, hard day, but I think everyone had a great time!!)
Sunday: Up early again to take the kids into Toronto to go see the TVOKids stage/shows at "Word on the Street"! The kids LOVED it! And I got to meet up with Vicki So (Vicky Essex) to chat for a few minutes at the Harlequin booth. ;)  AWESOME!  Finished off w/ ramen from Ajisen & bubble tea. *^_^*
Monday: Volunteering w/ United Way at work this afternoon, and then tonight I head out w/ hubby to First Aid Training through the KPL!(_o_)  *no day is too long!*  Then, if time permits, shuffling off to studio to dismantle and if possible, move a few things around.
Tuesday: after work: take kids to swimming lessons.

Wednesday: I admit, I haven't had the guts to look that far yet. XD
Moral of the story? It's true what I learned in first year uni: sleep is for the weak. XD
I apologise that I have not been as active reading/writing/replying to anything! 
Note to self: fit in running & guitar practice this week. XD
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 Ignore me, just venting.
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Hubby, I love you, but you're driving me crazy.
- if I'm working on my computer, don't invite me downstairs for nothing. Did you have lunch ready? No. Was there something you needed me for? No. Was I knee-deep in plotting and writing? YES. The calling me down thing? That was an interruption.
- if your dad is visiting/repairing things for us, that's great, thank you very much. But as I don't speak Chinese and can't converse with your dad, please don't just leave the house. It is awkward.
- don't get frustrated with me when I leave to work in our bedroom, or eat in another room than you and your dad. For one thing, neither of you has cleared your crap off the kitchen table to make enough room for me to join you, and for another, your dad only speaks to you, and in Chinese, so there is no conversation for me to join, anyway. I'd really rather just leave and be by myself (in my own house) somewhere else.
- don't call me when I leave the house to go to the studio (b/c I'm sick of feeling like I'm underfoot in my own house, and am about 3 hairs away from an anxiety attack). If I'm at the studio, I'm working. You calling me and asking me to come home for supper when you STILL haven't cleared room for me to eat at the table, and have now cluttered up the tv/family room (the only other table we eat at) with construction junk, and don't even HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME TO EAT--that is just frustrating and disruptive. I packed up everything I'd been working on at the studio to drive home to see a mess and not a damn bite to eat. Why did you call me? Couldn't you have please just left me alone? I spent all day being hungry because you and your dad needed to do things on the main floor(s) (it's a split level) of the house, and me not being able to access the kitchen; a few more hours won't kill me. I keep the studio stocked with water and a few candybars. And in the studio, I don't need to worry about being constantly interrupted by hammering or random conversations-by-yelling-in-Chinese up and down the stairs, or requests for things that you should KNOW the locations of. (The Vim is with the cleaning supplies. Sigh.)
I understand you're working hard to tidy things up too, I don't mean to make light of what you're doing, but when I can't have a conversation in my own house, when I can't get anything to eat in my own house, and when I feel like I'm underfoot like a nuisance in my own house, I am going to LEAVE my own house and go where I have control. Yes, I'm a control freak. I deal with it by not putting myself in situations where others control my environment. 
I do exactly as you ask when we go visit your family; in fact, I more or less lock myself in a bedroom and don't come out except for very short meals where I never eat enough because your family insult my weight and appearance, and where I have more than once had to put up with theft of my personal belongings because none of you can keep 'that one individual' in line. There are reasons why I literally jump at the chance to leave your family home; escape from anxiety being the biggest one.
So please, when it comes to me hiding or leaving my/our own home, please just leave me be. I'm finally mostly getting along with at least your sister after 12 years, and on my own time, I just want to be left alone. 
Don't bug me if I'm in the studio. It is the only sanctuary I have away from the stress your family, well-intentioned or not, bring me. 
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 (An actual conversation from this afternoon, at our place)
#1 Daughter: "What's that fresh smell?"
Me (laughing a bit under my breath): "Pine-Sol, Clorox, and toilet bowl cleaner. I cleaned the bathrooms."
#1 Daughter: "It smells good... but my nose is starting to hurt."
Me: "That's the stench of cleanliness, #1 Daughter. It burns, I know. Don't worry, it doesn't happen too often around here."
#1 Daughter: "Thank goodness."
Yes, that's me, working mom of the year: When the house is clean, it hurts everyone. XD

In other news, we had a fantastic time at the CIAS (Canadian International Auto Show) in Toronto, ON, on Saturday. Photos on my FB & on Twitter (!/beyondthemoor ).  ;)

Also, yes, I am still doing some writing -- part of the reason I'm not posting it is b/c I'm actually editing it, the other part being that I'm trying to *finish* writing them before I post them, going forward. It's... taking a bit longer than I'd anticipated. Luckily, I'm feeling much better these days. ^_^

Happy weekend, all!  (Long weekend here in Ontario, what with it being Family Day.)

moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
- loving my Kobo (picked it up for Vegas -- just re-loaded it with a few *entire series* omnibus versions of YA and other things, including some le Carre, and some classic Canadian authors.)
- am finally getting a bit of a handle on my smart phone. Mostly free games for my kids to play. XD
- Contrary to popular belief, I am actively writing -- actually moreso than I was before, now that I have the studio to escape to several nights a week. Hubby is being very supportive, and things are moving along a fair bit smoother. 
- I actually have several hundred pages written (between November 1, starting NaNo, to now) of about 4-6 different stories. One or two may end up melting together later, but we'll see.
- I'm actually reading a fair amount of HP-fandom fic, surprisingly enough. It only took me  a decade to get into it. XD But I've got some great stories to read there, and I'm loving the way certain authors have built and even expanded on the HP-verse within their fics. It works well the way they've done it, and it's kept my somewhat flighty attention.Others have done really, really neat adaptations.
-  My three most 'active' WIPs at the moment are a Naruto fic (70+ pages), an HP-fic (strangely probably 60+ pages, too), and then the next one would probably be SaiMono-fic, "Competition", which accidentally fell off the radar with the trip to Vegas and then the move and then my daughter starting school this fall and me going through some training at work and then NANO, and me forgetting to breathe and eat and sleep... 
- I'mbreathing and eating and sleeping, and apart from the freaking amount of iron I need to ingest daily with my little green ferrous pills, am now doing very well! :D It's awesome!
- Am currently looking into taking a stunt-driving course. (Yeah, motorcycle driver training and racing my Civic around the track just weren't 'dangerous' enough for me. I need new inspirations for the levels of stupidity I can attain. So... New goal acquired!)
- just successfully survived my six-month review (a bit late) at my job. Not sucking. Good enough!

I'm currently working on finishing up those latest fics-in-progress, and once I've *FINISHED* writing them, I intend to EDIT them, and then POST them... and then, hopefully get back to finishing "Merits"... someday. Once I've had a chance to break & put myself back together. There's actually a fair bit of that story written but not posted... it's just...argh. Ignore me. ^^;; I need a week to isolate myself in solitary before that can be tackled. 

Anyway! Hoping all's well with everyone else & that you're all enjoying your holidays! :D   My hubby's home w/ the kids while I'm trudging to work every morning, but I gotta admit, it's nice to come home to warm cuddles & supper at the end of the day. If only I earned  more -- I'd totally indulge in a manservant house-husband if I could swing my mortgage on just my salary, hahaha! XD
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)

I've wanted to try NaNo for years, but was never in a position to. Now that my youngest is 2 (and a half), and my oldest is more independent (she's 6), and I have a job where I'm not having a nervous breakdown, I finally gave it a shot.


I hit 51,956 words tonight. *^_^*   I'm so proud of myself!!

I admit, I was working on multiple stories (since I can't seem to concentrate on just one -- and instead of trying to ram too many different things into one story, I figured I'd branch out and see which ideas seem to fit best under each umbrella), but it has been a fantastic exercise. And I have loved this. *^_^*  Studio2 has been a god-send. Every night I could, I'd run out here to the studio and work away in my quiet corner without the distractions of the tv, hubby's computer, etc, etc, etc. ... I feel so much better, having done this. *^_^*

So, in spite of all the stress of the last few years (accidents, tumours, surgeries for myself & my son, the jobsfromtheseventhringofhell, etc.),, I have now completed another of my 'bucket list' goals.
- climbing a mountain to see the sun rise (November 2009, 2 weeks after learning about my tumour)
- motorcycle license (March 2010 - day prior to tumour-removal-surgery)
- taking a motorcycle course (less than 30 days post-tumour-removal-surgery--er, I'll be repeating this one, once I'm in better shape again!)
- finding a less stressful job (even though it meant a pay-cut) (Feb 2011)
- getting a space for myself to write/be creative in (Studio2)  (Aug 2011)
- going to the track to race my car (Sept 2011)
- doing NaNo (not with the aim to publish, but with the goal of doing this to prove to myself YES I CAN!)  <-- today, Nov 26, 2011. Hell, I'm even ahead of schedule!

Next goal?
- Monday afternoon: Take afternoon off work to go to Jeff Martin autograph session, Q&A, & guitar-tuning session @ Long & McQuade. (Followed by Tea Party concert that night--I'll be cutting out of the School Council meeting early to go... bad moor, I know...)  But I'm so ridiculously excited it isn't funny. *^_^*  This is my reward to myself for sticking with my goals and successfully completing NaNo on my first try. I just have to make sure I don't burst into psycho-fangirl-tears the minute I enter the store. ^^;;;  They hate it when fans do that...

I seem to be doing quite well with these goals. ^_^;  (Surprisingly!)  I'm going to have to think up a few more things or I'll have gotten through my 'lifetime' goals w/i the next 5 years or so at this rate. XD  (Then again, 'get snow tires' is on that list, too, and I know I'll be working more diligently on that one in the coming days...)

Hoping everyone else has had a wonderful weekend -- good luck to all who are still working on NaNo! :D

PS: Yes, for the stories I wrote, most are fanfic -- and will likely show up as completed fics once I've finished writing & editing the ends of them. There are currently 5-6 stories.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Read more... )

! AWOL !

Aug. 31st, 2011 10:59 pm
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
... er, I may need to disappear again for a bit, sorry.....

- Got back from Vegas.
- House was *FINALLY* finalized/closed yesterday.
- Hubby's car exploded yesterday
- Garage confirmed would cost $6K+ to fix it (which means new car time for hubby)

- no one was seriously injured in Vegas, and by replying to my family's summons, it means I'm off the hook for another few years
- Hubby was able to escape car unscathed
- ... really, that's about it
- NO WAIT! Hubby cleared the bathroom drain the other day so it flows fast again. Yay!

- expenses from Vegas come in on next VISA
- we're low on our regular funds already w/ purchasing new house
- seriously WTF is with the stupid car gassing itself?!
- Oh gods how are we going to afford new house, childcare for 2 kids, and car payments for 2 cars on our salaries? *panic is seeping in around the corners*
- I'm officially looking for a second job because of *see above*
- I need to do a course for work (on my own time) for some certification
- I admit, I'm beginning to believe those old rumours about carrying a curse on my name

What this means: My fun/writing schedule is likely going to become pretty erratic over the next little while. I may write a WHOLE LOT out of stress-purging, or I may need to stop completely. We'll see. Studio2 is always there if I need it. ^^;;

I may also indulge in alcohol or codeine to numb things a little. XD (Not at Studio2)

Anyway. That's been my last 3 days, how's your week going? XD
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
KW friends, are you free to help? *please?*

We have the truck rented for approx 9am Sunday morning; we estimate we'll be able to start loading by 9:20 - 9:30am.

We'll cover your lunch (and also, if you need a ride, we can collect you & drop you off again afterwards), possibly supper if it takes that long, snacks, drinks, and yes, we'll owe you big time for this. ;)

You don't need to help all day -- even an hour (or just to help us watch the kids!) would be fantastic.

Thank you!


(And please forgive the spam -- you're gonna see this on FB, too.) XD
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Not sure if I'd mentioned this before on my other LJ(s), but a few of my friends have had a studio space of their own for a little over a year. It was basically a big open studio in an old warehouse downtown; I admit, I loved hanging out there, when I could get out to see them there. They're all artists -- some paint, some are professional costumers or designers, others do graphic design work -- basically it was a creative workshop where you could do your own thing and no one bothered you. Rent was shared, you had your own designated space to work in, you had friends to socialise / work / collaborate with, and everybody shared their knowledge / experience / tools, happily. It was a great place.

Problem being, it wasn't the greatest building: there were thefts & vandalism, and overall, the place was getting too run-down to be safe (the property management company weren't doing anything to upkeep it -- it was getting outright dangerous.) It was to the point where my friends had to start going to the bathroom down the hall in groups, and they brought pipes with them. The freight elevator had been busted for months, and the broken glass wasn't even being picked up anymore. (Coincidentally, one of the windows in the outer doors to the building had been smashed out the day we moved them out of there, about 2 weekends ago.)

So my friends recently moved their studio and offered me a little spot in the corner of the new space for myself -- which, after I'd thought about it for a while, I took them up on. :D I paid the whole year in advance (I admit, I splurged & took some money out of my TFSA so I could help them secure the space--well worth it), and my little spot is ALL MINE, and I moved my desk, chair, a lamp, a microwave, etc., in all this past weekend. Some friends even helped me transport a mini-fridge there last week (which I bought from Kijiji!), and this past weekend I rented a little U-Haul and bought a $50 leather couch (also from Kijiji! It's an awesome couch!), and have made it as hospitable as I could for now. (Seriously, the couch is big, comfy, black leather, with reinforced footing & only one tear--along a seam--which can easily be sewn up. I couldn't believe it.)

I took all my notes over to Studio 2 tonight, along with boxes of reference material, and sat down to EDIT. It was wonderful. Two friends happened to be there working on their own projects (one girl was setting out a sewing project, the other is an artist currently working on her own writing project), so I had great company. It was nice and quiet and cozy and I finally felt like I could work & relax at the same time. I may bring in my looms, too, and another desk or table, if I can so I can do my own weaving & sewing again. ^_^ I may only be able to go late at night, but it was so nice to GET THINGS DONE without hearing the TV going, or another person's computer blaring, or the kids whining. I could *focus*. Do you know how rarely I get to focus and work uninterrupted? At home--never.

Again, I'm not sure how often I'll make it over, but I am so, so happy to finally have a little corner of my own. : )

We are currently looking for one more person to join us in the space, to make the rent a bit more affordable, but I don't think we're too stressed about that yet. (If you know anyone in KW looking for a creative space like this, send along their resume!) XD

I'm really looking forward to making use of my little space. (^_^)
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
- hubby's dad 'surprised' me by cleaning smudges of pine sap from my car. With paint thinner! (The car isn't quite a year old.) Guess who spent $300 at the car detailer's b/w yesterday & today 'fixing' things?

- had the basement crack inspected today: will cost $500 to repair it. Booked it -- it'll be done in plenty of time to be ready for moving out in October.

- made offer on a house -- was accepted! Spent $5000 in downpayment today.

- had home inspection on new house today. Went exceptionally well. $600 well spent. (Yes, by now our MasterCard is melting at the edges.)

- found out that instead of what we'd been told earlier by our mortgage broker (who is normally made of Awesome! Seriously, I really do like her, she's great), it turns out that NO, we CAN'T re-arrange the mortgage in just a day or two -- we need close to a week. Have sent request to seller to see if they can give us extension to next week to arrange our financing. (Our normal mortgage brokers is away at the moment, so it's going to take us a bit longer than we'd anticipated.)

- bonus? new house has a pool.

- not so great? new house has a pool.

(Why this is not-so-great: we have two young kids. I think we'll be contacting a door/lock specialist to find out how we can childproof & barricade the exits that lead to the rear yard.)

So, this has been the past 72 hours. So far we're looking at already having spent $7-8K this week (if we start including fees -- and no, the lawyer's fees, title change, and land transfer tax aren't included in that yet...)

Hubby looks a little pale when he sees my spreadsheets / bookkeeping at the moment. Thank the gods we don't need to pay 'daycare' for our oldest starting in September, just after-school (and possible before-school) care. Which hopefully will be less than $400/month!! *crossing fingers*

Methinks Vegas (coming up the week after next) is going to be an Economy venture. XD

Er, and because of all this, no, there hasn't been any writing going on. Sorry. ^^; It's been a very, very busy time. I am so very tired...
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