Another Spring Update:
- the ice storms we had this past winter felled two of our mature cedars. T_T We have lost a big chunk of the privacy in our yard (and unfortunately, a pair of nestlings who came down with the tree when it fell). Hubby was there when it happened and was heartbroken. Good man that he is, he tried to save the surviving bird by making it a new origami next and putting it back into one of the surviving trees, around the same height; the mother robin wasn't able to save it. A part of nature, but still, it was sad.
- in positive news, we hope to open the pool soon—preferably before next weekend (a long weekend here in Canada). Again on our own (instead of asking a company to do it), since it will save us $500. Which we could really use these days. ^_^;
- no new job yet, but I still look every day. I have taken up with Pampered Chef in the meantime in order to improve my small-talk skills. I am terrible when I am put in a room with people I don't know *really well*. But I'm working on it! And it has been fun to reconnect with some old friends. ^_^b
- my kids are my life. XD And they make it a great one. I took my son to a fair yesterday (and we built a catapult together!), and today I took my daughter to Toronto to learn simple (computer) coding through Processing (an open source processing program) with different generative art examples. She had a great time! We are also out to karate and t-ball, often multiple times weekly for each. I live with my dayplanner attached to my left hand these days.
- writing. I want to write. So much. Between the kids, volunteering, the job search, and PC, though, along with regular housewifely duties, and my husband's broken knee, I don't get much time to myself. I miss the Studio so very much. I feel so rusty, grr! Especially when I have wonderful people cheering me on and supporting me; I feel terrible I can't put more time towards it. As it is, I've had to give up exercising in order to get enough sleep. XD
- my husband & kids went out of their way for Mother's Day. :) It was so cute. I am so very, very fortunate to have them. :D No, things aren't perfect; but we try hard and we recognize each other's efforts more, now, and I think that's a very important thing to note. I've found recognizing another person's contribution around here goes a long way to that person feeling valued and appreciated. : ) We're trying to instil that 'attitude of gratitude' in our kids.
- my plans for the summer: go home (the coast). I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I truly mean it. I need to reconnect with home again. It is a physical ache, this homesickness. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I really miss my parents most of all.
- I am making an effort to go out with my friends to socialize more. This may seem silly to some, but I really am a borderline recluse when left to my own devices. I like it that way; but I know it isn't mentally/emotionally healthy to be like this all the time (and a number of my really good friends have reminded me that other people miss *me*, too). This means picking up a phone. Going to visit. Going out to coffee. Reaching out by e-mail. Not passively reading and 'liking' or commenting on FB posts. Reaching out. It is amazing how scary and intimidating this has become to me, and I realize now just how much what happened to me at my previous jobs has affected my socialization. I have become afraid of being around people, in a way, because I do not trust them not to hurt me. Even close friends. When I figured this out I realized this was completely unacceptable. It is terrifying getting in my car sometimes to go meet my friends; but I make myself do it. (I might be bordering on an anxiety attack at times, but hey, what's life without its challenges?) But I don't want to be afraid of simply going out; I don't want to feel ashamed of myself; I really, really (and this is my spiteful side talking) don't want the mofo bosses I've had to still have that kind of effect on me, even months after I left that godforsaken company I used to work for. So while it is hard, I am making myself get out of the house. ^^; PC is helping me with that, in that it forces me to put on my 'show' face and just get out there. I'll be 'me' again, someday. It's just a rocky road getting there, some days. It'll smooth out. (And as Paolo Coelho [sp?] said, "Straight roads do not make skilful drivers." Obviously, I'm on my way to being a frickin' social rockstar.)
- I want to make plans again. When I started looking at the summer and decided I really did want things to work out so I could go visit my family, it made me realize how long it has been since I made proper plans. (Birthday plans turned into a suck-awful affair, btw, which we won't go into). I want plans. I want goals. I want to *meet* those goals for my plans and feel productive and accomplished again. I miss that.
- I have loved helping out some of my friends recently. Whether it was being a sounding board for a story idea, sending concrit, or stopping in to help with their kids or their business, even for just a few minutes, it is nice to be able to help others. I try to carve out a bit of time each week to help whomever I can. It might not be much (to some), but sometimes it means the world. I wish I could lighten the load for more of my friends. I am still trying to figure out how, for some. I am not tooting my own horn; I am writing this for myself to remind myself that while I sometimes feel like I don't 'do much', I probably do more than I realize and need to take ownership of the pride I should feel for this. I am too used to sitting quietly at the back with my shoulders hunched hoping no one notices me and that I don't bother anyone else. I need to start making myself feel 'okay' for being happy to help others, instead of guilty I can't do more. ^^; (Have I mentioned how awful it is to have social anxiety? It is a battle against an enemy who has outposts in one's head, as they say. You're your own worst enemy.)
- no racing my little Civic yet this year; I hope to make time for that later on. I have some track time booked for October, when I return from the coast, but for now it isn't in the cards (until I have a job again). ^_^; Motorsports. The ultimate pay-to-play.
- I am trying to read printed fiction again (as opposed to living on fanfic; which, while awesome, does often lack the standards of printed fiction) to bring my editing skills back up to par. XD Those have really suffered over the past two years. Time to break out the red Sharpie and get cracking on those WIPs! ("Merits", "FFII", "Competition", "MMII", I'm looking at you.) Argh. >_< Need to carve some time out this summer to work on everything. And finish up the coding on the author's site I made on WordPress. And fill out "Isra" more, following the concrit I received. And get that special tax number I need to publish online through Kobo / Amazon.
One of these days. It'll come together. :)
For now, I'll just sling my folding camping chair over my shoulder and head back out to the t-ball fields with my kids. ^_^b
Happy Mother's Day to all, and have a great week!
PS: No, I did not edit this post. You get it raw. Enjoy.