moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 Tuesdays are karate night (and every week night is helping the kids with homework night), so I will try and answer any questions / PMs later this week!

 

<3

moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
—please check out the rules of the [community profile] darkficcollections community profile. We REALLY need you to post your proof of age-of-majority mention in your profile in order to approve you for membership. :) 

I already have more than half a dozen stories posted to the community (including at least one naughty scene that hasn't been posted before IIRC), and we'd love to have you join us. Others have also posted their dark and/or smutty fics (including a brand-new one from [personal profile] sariasprincy !).

... but we really need you to write *something* that confirms you've reached the age of majority in your profile (at least 18+) before we can approve you.

<3  Thank you!


(PS: Yes, that's me in my profile pic.)
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)

 Since FF.net isn't showing my links on my profile (not sure why it shows my Twitter, but none of my other sites?), posting here:

 

OTHER STUFF:


Twitter's updated the most frequently. :)

moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)

Very much. While home, I did get to edit/post a few old stories to ff.net; yay! 

However, my kids (mostly my youngest) were fussy. Despite getting them out to activities and exhibits and for bike rides daily, they were unhappy. #1 son in particular spent most of his March Break disappointed for one reason or another. (I think he missed his friends from school. I tried to call a few up to invite them over to play, but unfortunately didn't get calls back. I felt so bad for him.)

So, after a long week with the kids, I have posted the next chapter of FF II to ff.net & AO3 early in honour of Sakura's birthday this week. 

Because right now, I need some love. XD 

Now heading to the medicine cabinet to see if we have any acetaminophen to deal with this headache.
 Too many tantrums, too much ingratitude, too much whining this week. *sigh* 

Someday, I will have a little vacation of my own. Until then, we plod on. XD

*years since I had a vacation: 15+* 
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
For the curious: some of the prompts and writings from enemyoftheheir 's and my GWNI (Girls' Writing Night In) are archived on tumblr:

http://gwni.tumblr.com/

I'm checking with enemyoftheheir to see if she wants her shorts posted, too--for now, all the prompts are there, and my stories (the answers to the prompts) are posted. ;)  

Yes, this is what we do to egg each other on. XD Over the internet and across borders. 

Yay technology! 

If you have suggestions for prompts, we're more than happy to add them to our lists; new challenges are always welcome.  :)

 

Otherwise, I must leave you for now; I've been out w/ the kids all day with activities (hiking, biking, walking, playing with clay, visiting the library) for March Break, and I must get a start on supper. Have a great evening!

moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
For the record, I honestly wouldn't be sane if I didn't do things that *I* enjoy. Some examples:

This past week I:

- attended an Executive Night dinner & speaker (400+ people, decent food, awesome new people to meet, and a fantastic, inspiring speaker. And I got to chat Scottish history with someone totally out of the blue, which sealed the deal for an awesome night)

- attended my first Passion Party! A friend of mine is a Passion Party consultant, and at the suggestion of a friend (nikolita), I asked if I could join a party sometime soon to get an idea of how they ran. So, you can all thank nikolita (and my friend Candace) for introducing me to the fun that is Passion Parties, and for the resulting forthcoming scenes in "Forest Fire II". You're welcome.

- volunteered with my son's kindergarten class. I volunteered usually 2 mornings/month (as much as I could spare, given my work schedule), and love going in to help out with different activities, hanging out with the kids, seeing how they interact. I've decided not to continue this after March Break (after this week), for a few reasons, but really enjoyed being with the kids. I had a good time. My husband even came to join me there to help out, 2 weeks ago, which was really special. I guess not many dads get to come in to volunteer. It was a fun time. The kids rushed him. XD You could see it in their eyes, how bright they got, with the, 'There's a DAD here!!!!!"-look. Kindie-swarming, gotta love it. XD

- working out. I wake up around 5-5:15am at least 3 times a week to hit the gym, and the remaining days of the week I sleep in until around 6am before going for a run. I like working out. It feels good. It also helps me manage stress, anxiety, depression (mostly on top of this one, since I work hard to avoid triggers), and my PTSD. <3 exercise. This week I started overhauling my bike so I can ride it again this summer, hopefully more actively, so I rely less on my car. I'm kind of leaning towards getting a little trailer for it so I can bring picnic gear with us for longer rides. That would cost $, though, and we don't have a whole lot of that to go around.

- I love driving and race my car at the track. Due to finances/timing (ugh, I actually paid for a track day and ended up having to cancel b/c it was right after my hubby's surgery), I wasn't able to make it out to the track last summer. We'll see if it happens this summer. I really enjoy it, and fine driving is an acquired taste and a challenging skill. I take pride in mine and in my car.

- practiced guitar. I have recently started teaching my kids a bit of guitar. They enjoy it. I enjoy it. I'm not very good at it, but I enjoy it. I'm okay with the fact I'm not good at it; music is something I play with.

- talking with friends. Especially enemyoftheheir, who keeps me sane and is my brother-from-another-mother, but with boobs. :P Nothing is sacred in our convos, nothing.

- also relating to enemyoftheheir, GWNI. GWNI=Girls' Writing Night In. This started as a writing exercise for the two of us to hang out & write together, online. (Since we live in different countries and all). Basically, we both come up with a bunch of prompts, then at a designated time, we share them with each other and get to choose a prompt each, the timer goes off, and we write for 15-30 minutes. Then share with each other. Squee! Then choose another prompt, set the timer again, and write! Then 15-30 minutes later (depending on how we're doing--sometimes we'll extend the timer if we both find we're on a roll), share again. Depending on how much time we have, we'll do a few rounds of this. It's spontaneous, it's intense, it's fun, and it really gets the muse going. It's also ridiculously competitive. XD And since we know we're writing for each other, we'll hit each other's kinks hard. It's wonderful. It also gets quite silly. We may set up a tumblr for some of these stories, at some point. They're awesome fun.

- having fun with my kids. I love my kids. They're the best part of my day. It can be really trying, being a mom, but I've tried to raise my kids with my sense of humour. Sometimes I force us all outside, on our bikes; or out for a hike; or my kids will request we all sit down to play boardgames together (often during bad weather). I try to get us outside as much as possible. I love this. I love them. They are my life.

I do try to write as often as I can; I need it. I also need to live. :) Other people rely on me, too.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
- go to sleep at 2am
- wake up at 7, 8, 9, 9:30, 10:17am give up b/c I can't ignore the kids' arguing any longer
- bake cookies
- make lunch
- pack snacks for road trip
- pack bags for trip
- send everyone (hubby + kids) the heck out to Toronto for the day b/c I have s* to do!
- do laundry
- shower (brush teeth in shower b/c it saves time)
- eat ??
- run errands at 4 different places across 3 cities (go-go-Gadget-Civic!)
- pout b/c I can't get the supper I wanted (*shakes fist at resto being closed on Sunday*)
- go home
- eat / do online chores
- fix bike
- do more laundry
- test bike (death-free, good enough)
- tidy toys
- look for missing toys
- pack away winter blankets
- tidy basement storage for toy storage
- laundry
- fix more things
- kids + hubby arrive safely home, get the kids to bed (10:45pm at this point)
- put away groceries hubby brought home
- catch up w/ hubby on his day-trip w/ the kids (apparently #1 son got lost at the ROM today & security had to be called in to search & help retrieve him)
- laundry
- sit down, drink a glass of water

Currently: 11:46pm. *Now* is officially when *my free time* starts, AKA: When I get to write. This is what being a mom + being a writer is like. During the week I have a job to go to, too.

This is why I update monthly. ;)

But I do update.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
December was busy (and I'm still behind in actually writing my Christmas cards), but plenty productive with regards to writing and updates.

- Forest Fire 1.5 posted! (Itachi / Sakura)
- Tipsy 3: Forget posted! (Madara / Sakura)
- Hallowcinogenics (ch 1-6, complete) posted! (Sirius / Hermione)


Also, these were cross-posted to FF.net *and* AO3 (Archive of our Own), so hopefully they're more readily available to those who'd like to read them.

Yesterday I also started posting another HP-fic:
- Joy in Small Places (Severus / Hermione)

That one is longer (80+ pages), and still under construction but nearly done. I intend to update it monthly, if possible, as I finish writing the end. It's actually the first HP-fic I wrote; however, as I finished "Hallowcinogenics" first, I posted it over the holidays. "JISP" is far darker than my usual writing. Warnings abound.

Also in the works:

- Forest Fire II (Itachi / Sakura / Sasuke)
- birthday story for a friend of mine (surprise!)

FF II: This one has reached 112+ pages, and is still going. It's a bit of a beast. I now have two betas helping me, though, and hopefully we'll wrangle it into something publishable by Itachi's (June 9) or Sasuke's (July 23) birthday. If you have questions, I'm happy to answer what I can!

Birthday story: Shhhhh! It's due February 2nd. I'm about a dozen pages in and *desperate* to write this one up to share with enemyoftheheir on LJ. XD DAMNIT! I'm terrible at keeping secrets. :__;


Anyway, otherwise things are good! I'm excited: my car payments finish this year~! I can't wait to have almost $400 more a month to save. Hubby's trying to convince me to put it away to save up for a trip. (I hate to tell him, but if I'm putting $ away for a trip, it'll be to somewhere I can go on an adventure by my lonesome, hahahah!) I think it should go towards the mortgage, the kids' RESP, and my RRSP. I know. I'm no fun. :P

Oh, things with PC (Pampered Chef--side-gig) are moving along. :) Picked up a stone for us for pizzas--even my hubby loves it, and that's saying something. It's getting a lot of use right now. <3

I hope all is well with all of you, and I hope we get some interest in the saiunpornium (on LJ) fic exchange for Valentines Day.

Have a great week! And if you're looking for the stories I publish, they can be found here:

- FF.NET: https://www.fanfiction.net/~moor
- AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/users/moor/works
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
(copying here to keep things sort-of consistent)

Well, for starters, my time management is at an all-time high! ;)

Really brief:

- spent the summer on the coast w/ my family
- drove across Canada w/ the kids in my little Civic... on my own. The GPS kamikaze'd itself dramatically midway through the wilds of Québec. Oh, to return to the glory of paper maps when you're the only driver/navigator in the vehicle. XD
- I started a new job! :D I love it. M-Th, 9:30-2:30. I am home w/ my kids more often, and volunteer on Fridays.
- I joined the local Santa Claus Parade again this year!
- My husband's surgery went well in Sept, and while I had a very busy Sept/Oct helping rehabilitate, dress, bathe, feed, etc., him while still looking after the kids/working/doing all the driving/shopping, things have evened out again for November.
- I decided against doing NaNo this year b/c after assisting my husband/being a 'single' parent for Sept/Oct, I really needed a break
- I've started going to a gym again and feel much better about myself
- I am writing again. Writing 'fic, writing original fiction, and really enjoying myself
- Compared to the 'me' of last year, I am practically a 'social monster' as I joke w/ my kids. :) I actively reach out to friends now to hang out, catch up, etc.
- I've figured out a number of things, and am so much happier, now.
- I didn't make it out to the track day in October (exhaustion was pretty severe), but who knows what the spring will bring?
- Money is tight as Hell, since my new job is paying me about 1/4 of what I used to earn... but overall I can say we've never been happier.
- If you are interested in reading anything I'm currently working on, please let me know. I keep my work on a Google Drive now and can easily share links to specific documents. I have HP, Naruto, and other fanfic on the go, as well as a number of original stories, too. : ) Humour remains a strong suit, so there's plenty of it around.

I'll try and update this more frequently going forward. Thank you for the reminder, annalisemarie99! ;)

Writing

Dec. 4th, 2014 09:14 pm
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
While I no longer have my writing studio, I am still writing when I can. Losing the dedicated writing-space (Studio) really hurt my capacity, in that respect.

Hopefully I'll have a new space set up here at home, soon, and will have a proper writing schedule again. If I have a chance, I'll try and make up a table with all the different stories in progress, and what their progress is. (Planning, writing, editing, posting, complete). I have started porting my stories over from Aff.net and ff.net to ao3.org, too, to collect everything together under one 'roof', so to speak.

I miss the studio. But hubby has said he's taking time off work over the holidays to help me fix up the office here to make it into a new 'studio' for me.

He said this years ago, and promised at the beginning of the summer it would be done. It wasn't. Autumn hit, and I dragged the spare bed & extra furniture out myself, on my own, to at least get started on it. We'll see what the holidays bring.

It could mean a significant blaze in the fireplace, if I get tired of sorting everyone else's papers again.

Update?

Dec. 4th, 2014 09:10 pm
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
So, within a few minutes of husband finding out I'd been scrubbing down the elliptical, he came down and took over and has just told me that it is 'clean' now.


... it only took him 3.5 months and me getting down on my bad knee for him to get to it, apparently.

(Welcome to 'moor's bitterness night')(Normally I'm a lot better than this, it's just seeing the elliptical in rough shape that put me over my edge. Hopefully that is resolved, now.)
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Was hoping that cleaning off the elliptical would make me feel better. Nope. *renewed anger*

*deep breath*

A day at a time, a day at a time...

History/Explanation: Late summer/early fall this year, my FIL & husband decided to open up a wall in the basement to check for possible leakage & water damage since we'd had mild flooding in our area.

But see, they didn't think to move my $4,500+ elliptical out of the way first. In spite of me clearing the way in front of it (it has wheels so it can moved), or even putting a tarp or blanket over it. And me asking them, repeatedly, to be careful with it, and me reminding them that I didn't want a mess to clean up again like I'd had to the last few times they'd 'helped' or 'fixed' things.

Fast Forward: The elliptical is covered in dust, inside and out, there are globs of 'compound' (used to patch up walls) all over it, the handlebars have chunks & gobs of *something* on them I can't identify, and I am losing my f*ing s* because they've effectively ruined MY $4,500 piece of equipment. And the floor? Can't find it. It's covered in construction stuff.

This is after my FIL ruined the paintjob on my brand-new car several years ago, btw.

So, yeah, deep breaths. I started cleaning it off tonight. It has taken me this long to calm down enough to go clean it. Because they didn't.

Deep breaths, jaw clenched, and me being relieved of charitable thoughts towards them for a good, long time. Because this isn't in the nature of forgivable. Unless they show up with $5,000.00 CDN in hand and an apology letter. My savings went into that machine, to help me with my heart. Now I'm having to put out more out of pocket, for a f*ing gym membership--to go use ellipticals.

Deep breaths. Lots of deep breaths.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 Another Spring Update:
 
- the ice storms we had this past winter felled two of our mature cedars. T_T We have lost a big chunk of the privacy in our yard (and unfortunately, a pair of nestlings who came down with the tree when it fell). Hubby was there when it happened and was heartbroken. Good man that he is, he tried to save the surviving bird by making it a new origami next and putting it back into one of the surviving trees, around the same height; the mother robin wasn't able to save it. A part of nature, but still, it was sad.
 
- in positive news, we hope to open the pool soon—preferably before next weekend (a long weekend here in Canada). Again on our own (instead of asking a company to do it), since it will save us $500. Which we could really use these days. ^_^;
 
- no new job yet, but I still look every day. I have taken up with Pampered Chef in the meantime in order to improve my small-talk skills. I am terrible when I am put in a room with people I don't know *really well*. But I'm working on it! And it has been fun to reconnect with some old friends. ^_^b 
 
- my kids are my life. XD  And they make it a great one. I took my son to a fair yesterday (and we built a catapult together!), and today I took my daughter to Toronto to learn simple (computer) coding through Processing (an open source processing program) with different generative art examples. She had a great time! We are also out to karate and t-ball, often multiple times weekly for each. I live with my dayplanner attached to my left hand these days.
 
- writing. I want to write. So much. Between the kids, volunteering, the job search, and PC, though, along with regular housewifely duties, and my husband's broken knee, I don't get much time to myself. I miss the Studio so very much. I feel so rusty, grr! Especially when I have wonderful people cheering me on and supporting me; I feel terrible I can't put more time towards it. As it is, I've had to give up exercising in order to get enough sleep. XD
 
- my husband & kids went out of their way for Mother's Day. :) It was so cute. I am so very, very fortunate to have them. :D  No, things aren't perfect; but we try hard and we recognize each other's efforts more, now, and I think that's a very important thing to note. I've found recognizing another person's contribution around here goes a long way to that person feeling valued and appreciated. : )  We're trying to instil that 'attitude of gratitude' in our kids. 
 
- my plans for the summer: go home (the coast). I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I truly mean it. I need to reconnect with home again. It is a physical ache, this homesickness. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I really miss my parents most of all.
 
- I am making an effort to go out with my friends to socialize more. This may seem silly to some, but I really am a borderline recluse when left to my own devices. I like it that way; but I know it isn't mentally/emotionally healthy to be like this all the time (and a number of my really good friends have reminded me that other people miss *me*, too). This means picking up a phone. Going to visit. Going out to coffee. Reaching out by e-mail. Not passively reading and 'liking' or commenting on FB posts. Reaching out. It is amazing how scary and intimidating this has become to me, and I realize now just how much what happened to me at my previous jobs has affected my socialization. I have become afraid of being around people, in a way, because I do not trust them not to hurt me. Even close friends. When I figured this out I realized this was completely unacceptable. It is terrifying getting in my car sometimes to go meet my friends; but I make myself do it. (I might be bordering on an anxiety attack at times, but hey, what's life without its challenges?) But I don't want to be afraid of simply going out; I don't want to feel ashamed of myself; I really, really (and this is my spiteful side talking) don't want the mofo bosses I've had to still have that kind of effect on me, even months after I left that godforsaken company I used to work for. So while it is hard, I am making myself get out of the house. ^^; PC is helping me with that, in that it forces me to put on my  'show' face and just get out there. I'll be 'me' again, someday. It's just a rocky road getting there, some days. It'll smooth out. (And as Paolo Coelho [sp?] said, "Straight roads do not make skilful drivers." Obviously, I'm on my way to being a frickin' social rockstar.)
 
- I want to make plans again. When I started looking at the summer and decided I really did want things to work out so I could go visit my family, it made me realize how long it has been since I made proper plans. (Birthday plans turned into a suck-awful affair, btw, which we won't go into). I want plans. I want goals. I want to *meet* those goals for my plans and feel productive and accomplished again. I miss that.
 
- I have loved helping out some of my friends recently. Whether it was being a sounding board for a story idea, sending concrit, or stopping in to help with their kids or their business, even for just a few minutes, it is nice to be able to help others. I try to carve out a bit of time each week to help whomever I can. It might not be much (to some), but sometimes it means the world. I wish I could lighten the load for more of my friends. I am still trying to figure out how, for some. I am not tooting my own horn; I am writing this for myself to remind myself that while I sometimes feel like I don't 'do much', I probably do more than I realize and  need to take ownership of the pride I should feel for this. I am too used to sitting quietly at the back with my shoulders hunched hoping no one notices me and that I don't bother anyone else. I need to start making myself feel 'okay' for being happy to help others, instead of guilty I can't do more. ^^;  (Have I mentioned how awful it is to have social anxiety? It is a battle against an enemy who has outposts in one's head, as they say. You're your own worst enemy.) 
 
- no racing my little Civic yet this year; I hope to make time for that later on. I have some track time booked for October, when I return from the coast, but for now it isn't in the cards (until I have a job again). ^_^; Motorsports. The ultimate pay-to-play. 
 
- I am trying to read printed fiction again (as opposed to living on fanfic; which, while awesome, does often lack the standards of printed fiction) to bring my editing skills back up to par. XD Those have really suffered over the past two years. Time to break out the red Sharpie and get cracking on those WIPs! ("Merits", "FFII", "Competition", "MMII", I'm looking at you.) Argh. >_< Need to carve some time out this summer to work on everything. And finish up the coding on the author's site I made on WordPress. And fill out "Isra" more, following the concrit I received. And get that special tax number I need to publish online through Kobo / Amazon. 
 
One of these days. It'll come together. :) 
 
For now, I'll just sling my folding camping chair over my shoulder and head back out to the t-ball fields with my kids. ^_^b
 
Happy Mother's Day to all, and have a great week!
 
PS: No, I did not edit this post. You get it raw. Enjoy.
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
 Spring Update
 
- I have officially started writing "Forest Fire II". Mostly planned out; many thanks to ff.net's pokesimmo for kicking my butt about that. ;)
 
- have I mentioned how much I love volunteering? (Especially compared to working for pay?) I do. If we had the money, I would spend all my time volunteering. :) I love it. Especially working with the kids at a nearby elementary school. They're awesome. :)
 
- have I also mentioned how much I love robo-vacuums? XD We nicknamed ours The Hispanola, as it searches for filthy treasures.
 
- it is my birthday soon, and for the first time in years I am organizing a party; this is kind of scary and awesome at the same time. 33 candles shouldn't make me feel like a kid, but this year, with me not being inundated by ulcerous levels of stress, I'm practically giddy.
 
- it has been fun to be creative with my kids: we've sewn together stuffies from random scrap fabric, painted birdhouses to make a fairy garden for the yard, and started learning crochet & knitting. I think we've all needed this 'creative together' time, and while it takes away a bit from my writing time, it has made all the difference with them and their behaviour. We're even taking 'adventure/discovery walks' around the neighbourhood and finally exploring! After living here for nearly 3 years!
 
- since I've started running 10+ km/day (with hills, and now, increasing resistance), I can't believe how much healthier I feel. When compared to the state I was in this time last year, I feel like a different person. :)  In a GOOD way.
 
- almost a year ago, I had to put away Bliss (my electric guitar) b/c there was so much stress in my life from work that I couldn't find any time to play. I have finally decided I want to pull it out again. :)  It feels like a good sign.
 
- Still no new job; I have decided it will happen when it happens. 
 
- this summer, instead of suffering through the stifling humidex of southern Ontario, I think I'll return to the coast to stay with my family. Exploring sea caves, hiking through the woods, and swimming/sailing in the ocean sound like far healthier alternatives. :)
 
If this post seems a bit too... positive?... compared to my previous ones, I think it is safe to blame it on the fact that I have good things happening, and control & choice, in my life for the first time in a long time. :)  I wish things could stay like this. As they cannot, I intend to enjoy it while I can.
 
If you're looking for writing updates, I will try and make a more thorough one soon. :)  I have been working on my previous stories again, whenever possible. I also intend to transfer some of my stories over from ff.net to Archive of Our Own (AO3) when I have a bit of time, too. 
 
Have a great weekend!   
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)

Er, long time, eh?

A quick update:

- after much harassment from my supervisor (and her supervisor) after I reported them for inappropriate conduct (including illegal activity) at work, I left my job at the end of August 2013.

- I have been blacklisted by most local financial institutions, and have spent the last 4 months unemployed.

- luckily, my application to the government for financial support was approved (after 3.5 months), so we do have a small amount of money coming in to help us get through the worst of the winter.

- no, things don't look good, employment-wise

- I spend all my time searching for a new job that isn't financial- or customer service-related

- I was writing up until about November 2013, when things became too busy for me to continue

- I am hoping to write more again soon

- I am trying to fit more physical activity into my life again, since I could really do with an energy boost. ;)

- I am very grateful I got to spend the holidays with my kids for the first time (even if we were stuck inside due to the ice storm, then the crazy freezing temperatures)

- I am considering taking up knitting again, and am hoping to get my kids into it with me. :)  (I'll be re-starting from beginner level, and have set up a profile on ravelry.com to look for simple, neat, useful things to make)

- I am still reading a fair bit, when I can

- I am lucky to have been able to volunteer a bit in various places during autumn, and am hoping to be able to continue :) It makes me feel happy/good

That's about it for me! Perhaps more later. :)  

Happy 2014

moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Read more... )
In early January of this year, I was into the doctor's office/hospital for more tumour screening. I had found lumps--yes, multiple--and considering my last tumour grew nearly an inch a month in diameter the last time I was diagnosed, we weren't taking any chances. Well, after a few rounds of testing, prodding, ultrasounds, etc., we realised it wasn't a proper tumour (thank goodness!). It was a pregnancy that was going very wrong.
 
Some of you may remember me mentioning my last pregnancy -- and some of the trials/tribulations/emergency midwife visits/hemorrhaging. It has left a very... strong hesitation within me to revisit pregnancy, even if the last one was nearly four years ago.
 
Anyway, this left me with getting mixed messages from my doctors (yes, multiple -- My GP, to the PNs to my former surgeon & ENT). I was worried that the stress I was under from work would lead to complications, if not miscarriage--they told me they didn't think that would happen, they were more worried about my health. But overall, they assured me that things would work out and that I should keep the baby. I let them know I was very against this idea and would rather have some more time to plan a pregnancy properly, and ensure I was in better health BEFORE trying for another--they disagreed.
 
I gave it a day or so before confirming to my husband we were expecting again. While financially this could ruin us, we were both pretty excited--though I was trying not to get *too* excited. Just in case. (I've lost two other little ones to miscarriage.)
 
Fast-forward a week (to Sunday of last week), and I start to miscarry. I'd hoped it was a false alarm. By Monday morning, I knew it wasn't. The way my husband's face crumpled when I told him... It broke my heart--but it also made me angry. Angry when I'd already been feeling upset that we hadn't stopped it earlier.
 
By Tuesday I was in so much pain/so sick that I called my doctor and explained what was happening. They told me to go to the Emergency Room (ER). I was in to the ER for 5+ hours. The nurses left me unattended for 2+ hours, not even coming into the room to check on me. I didn't see a doctor--I didn't even see a doctor during the 5+ hours I was at the hospital. By 1am I was exhausted, racked with pain, and hobbled out of the ER to call a cab to take me home. If I was going to miscarry, I was at least going to do it at home. At least I'd have my husband beside me if it really came down to it. Again, I was upset but I was more angry. I'd told my doctors (when I was originally diagnosed with the pregnancy) I'd been expecting problems, and they had dismissed them. I had gone to the ER to see if there was anything that could be done to ease the pain, and after 5+ hours still received no help. My husband (I had insisted he stay home w/ the kids, since our regular 'babysitters' who may have helped us with the kids overnight were abroad), was almost as angry as I was that I'd been dismissed at the ER. At this time, it really started to feel like things were falling apart and that I had no one to help me/us.
 
By Friday (just a few days ago), I was worn out (still going in to work every morning), sick, frustrated, and still miscarrying. My temper was frayed and I started to lose my cool at work. I'm normally a fairly quiet person at work, so this shocked a lot of people. I got angry at an advisor who was trying to fraudulently settle a policy and called her on it--my boss yelled at me and had someone else apologise to this fraudulent scheister. This wasn't the worst I've had to deal with at work, but it is constant, and constantly frustrating. Things at work have been awful and I know they contributed to my stress levels (and most likely, to me miscarrying). When I started crying during a call to my support team (who are supposed to help us with finding answers), I knew my day was shot. I hung in until 5pm, then went home. 
 
I was also stuck working evening/late shifts at work nearly all last week -- which was March break for my kids. I barely saw my own children.
 
So yes, the writing (and nearly all extra-curriculars for me) has stopped since January. Mentally/emotionally, between work & my health, I've not been in a good place. I hate my job and my supervisor in particular. She has been whoring out our team to other departments for over a year now, and because of this my team can't make our 'STIP' (bonus-related) work goals. Or even our regular work targets. I'm beginning to think she's doing this deliberately. Not a single other team has offered to assist us with our workload.
 
On the 'positive' side, when I got desperate last week, I managed to contact the local abortion clinic. Now, whatever your feelings on abortion are, they are YOURS. I am desperate at this point to just live through the pain I am in. They are the ONLY medical practitioners who have given me any support/assistance since I was diagnosed with this pregnancy-gone-wrong. We're going to see what we can do Thursday (they helped me arrange a surgery to try and end the miscarriage to reduce my risks of further complications). This is not a decision I made lightly--it was a decision I made trying to find a way to get back on my feet again so I can get back to being a good mother to my kids. Try miscarrying for a week where you cramp so much you vomit, and let me know about how chipper you are when your nurses tell you to 'just tough it out, it'll get better soon, it happens to plenty of women'. Fuck that--if there's a way I can get back my life again and reduce/end this suffering, I'm taking it. Do doctors think women actually have supportive work environments?! Don't make me laugh. Women have to work twice as hard as men do to get half the recognition (I see it in my own team), and the minute a woman opens her mouth to criticise or comment on things that are BLATANTLY wrong, she gets labelled as a harpy, a nag, a 'negative/detrimental team player' or complainer. A guy brings it up? "Oh, if he's saying something about it, it must be valid--or at least we'll listen and not mock you for it." *so frustrating*
 
I have two wonderful kids I love, and I need to take care of them. Not that a third wouldn't be wanted/loved as well, but not right now--too much of my body is at this time failing me physically. It feels like my insides are killing me. The clinic is the only place that has given me practical medical advice as opposed to a bunch of sympathetic noises over the phone or face-to-face platitudes (ER staff, I'm looking at you).
 
I have booked Thursday off work for the surgery itself, and decided to book Friday off as well for recovery since I really don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in, mentally/emotionally/physically. And to be perfectly honest, a day to myself without BS is sorely needed at this point.
 
The only positive points to all this are that:
- I get time away from my shitty job
- I think my supervisor is taking some time off soon, so when I am around, hopefully she won't be
 
Writing just hasn't been in the cards recently. Reading has, while I've been waiting around in doctor's offices, but I've been so distracted it has barely taken the edge off.
 
Thankfully, my husband has been a rock and has helped me pick up the slack at home so the kids aren't completely aware of what's been going on. They just know that mummy's been going to see her doctors a lot recently to get checked to make sure things are okay. Because my daughter took it way too hard when I went through my tumour-saga for me to put her through that again if I don't absolutely have to. My son wasn't even a year old -- the less he knows, the better, imho.
 
I'm sure this comes across as melodramatic and bitter and frustrated -- that's about where I am right now. Even things I used to take so much pleasure in, like learning guitar, have taken a back seat to my exhaustion. I hate feeling like this. I used to be a semi-professional martial artist; I was trained to take my father's place in the secret service; yet everything feels like it holds me back these days. I'm surrounded by idiot supervisors at work and when I ask for help medically, I'm ignored. It's no wonder I fight myself on a daily basis to 'Remain Calm and Carry On'. Even trying to arrange interviews for other potential jobs is a hassle because my supervisor doesn't accommodate our requests for time off (because we're so short staffed and overworked at this time). We sent her our 2013 vacation requests in December 2012 and she STILL hasn't approved any of them. I've had to book my daughter into camps on the *assumption* that I'll have the time off--and my husband is requesting the same time off I have just to make sure we're covered.
 
At this point I'm trying to move to a different department at work, at least -- though with my health problems, no matter how good I normally am at my job, I can't even help myself there. 
 
I have really really tried to be positive about so many things, but I am very tired these days. I do not want to work for someone else, but I'm not sure what else to do to ensure we have a steady income coming in for the kids. I'm really hoping that once #1 son gets into JK this fall I'll be able to pull back my hours somewhere, or perhaps by the time he is in SK/Grade 1, I can move to part-time. It isn't healthy to live this frustrated all the time.
 
For now, I'm signing off to try and get through 3 more days of work this week. Apparently our company has been sending out incorrect tax slips/receipts since 2004 to our clients, and that notification goes out this week to advisors/clients. Guess who's responsible for the calls we're expecting? *points at self* And we have no documentation or even a fucking FAQ yet for the call centre. No one has even confirmed the # of clients affected. Oh god this is going to be bad. 
 
Wishing you a much better week than I know I'm going to have -- hang tough. It's a moment in time, as I keep telling myself, and it can't stay this way forever.
 
It's just not very fun to go through it at the time.
 
Take care,
 
--mm
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Hello out there!

Happy December ^_^

Congrats to all who finished NaNo--including those who didn't meet the word count but went Hell for Leather for it anyway! :D We rock!

(I snuck in just under the gun on Nov 30 -- and wrote 15K words that day. I thought I was going to cry from anxiety. Thank goodness I had that day off work.) XD *total cheater* Tho' I did need to take a break from the office anyway and had booked the time off in advance.

If anyone is checking in here or following me for updates on "Merits", I mentioned on Twitter that updates would be coming every two weeks or so (to the best of my ability). I pushed hard to get weekly update out for you in November through the Grace of NaNo; my husband needs me back in action at home to help w/ the kids now that the holidays are upon us. ;)

There will not be an update tomorrow for "Merits", however there should be updates on:
- December 14 (Ch 47)
- December 28 (Ch 48)

New Year update schedule forthcoming; I'm waiting to hear back from work about what's happening to our office schedule there before committing to anything further writing-wise. T_T Things don't look good there... keeping my fingers crossed for minimal damage.

Also, yes, I'm going to *try* and do the 12 Days of SaiMono as I mentioned in the saiunpornium community several weeks ago. *cracking knuckles* Get ready for it!

As for other writing updates, the HP Sev/Mione ("Joy in Small Places") is nearing completion. Yes, it has been on the writing block for over a year--I didn't want to start posting anything (new) that wasn't at least within spitting distance of finished--if not finished and just waiting for final edits. I'm trying to curb my bad habit of running off on tangents on new stories and forgetting about the old ones. (Since I am really, really bad for that.)

Also, for anyone who is interested in writing professionally, I recommend you follow writer Vicki Essex's twitter. (https://twitter.com/VickiEssex) She started off as a terrific fanfic writer before moving on to write professionally, and was/is a big name in the A:TLA (Avatar: The Last Airbender) fandom. (Perhaps you've read some of her work? Yeah -- that's her!) She posts a lot of FANTASTIC references and resources for writers and editors, along with publishing opportunities, calls for submissions, and writing career job openings/ opportunities. Keep an eye on her blog & Twitter for updates -- she's got her ear to the ground & loves to share! (Especially Renner gifs--she has a sizeable collection... many are animated...)

As for me, it has been a long day at work and I could use a glass of water before I hit the elliptical to burn off the End of Day Office Stress that has accumulated. ;)

Have a great weekend, all! Expect some (writing) updates starting next week as we countdown to the holidays. ^_^

--mm

PS: Tell me how you're doing, too! :)

NaNoWriMo

Nov. 11th, 2012 05:17 pm
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
—Broke the half-way mark! 

*thank the gods for weekends, 'cause I barely eek out 100 words on a weeknight*    XD 

...Now, to get back to my guitar practice, which has languished shamefully as I indulged in NaNo...

 

 

NaNoWriMo

Nov. 11th, 2012 10:51 am
moor: Photo of me in one of my mermaid Arda wigs (Default)
Follow-up to last post -- I'm doing NaNo! :D  Who else is?

I was a bit behind *coughcough* until yesterday, but am doing much better. How about you? Does anyone want to buddy-up on NaNoWriMo.org?   (My username is 'beyondthemoor', like my LJ and Twitter usernames).

I am lucky that hubby was able to look after the kids for the day yesterday, and I escaped to Studio3 from 9:30am - 9pm. XD  

10K words in 12 hours later, and I'm up to speed! (Yes, I do write at masochistic machine-like levels when it hits me.)

Anyone else want to join in on the daily check-ins on Twitter, or buddy-up on NaNo.org?




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